Daddy! Instantly, the car appears on the beach. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb? Says the chicken, Sorry, but thats the subject of another joke.Submitted by Gary Johnston. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are gross!, I said, People who sell veggies are grocer. Adele Cliff, comedian. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. $10 fine. My sister would be so proud of you! she declared. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Liked what you just read? ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px} Press J to jump to the feed. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. All rights reserved. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, Id sit on your face L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to], 11. Being broken up with. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. How are you feeling? she asks. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. She looks great! I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Why did the orthopedic doctor always put hats on the knees of his patients? You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. You think Im cute when Im angry? You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. Crocker, you are just fine, insisted the nurse. There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. He must pay for his mistake. | Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Mr. Ill tell you whatnever again. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. It's stopped twerking. At your age, I wouldnt touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha! I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes 17. Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. How did you do it? he asked. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, youd be in great shape., 43. $18.49 $ 18. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in. I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. Pressed for time? Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. Wow, this bed is big!. My wifes having a heart attack and youre running around naked scaring the kids!, Im sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Are you looking for some funny kids football jokes? Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Theres a smartass quote for that. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" Lemme try some of that! The man grabs the beer. Thats my twin sister. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. 8. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. is saying I should be on Jeopardy! every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. Laura Peek, comedian. ", "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? But hay its in my jeans. ", "If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Well, theyre not laughing now. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. How to be witty and win anyone over]. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. He really is your son! Detector: Beep.. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. 3. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". Nature is beautiful and so am I. Aye matey.. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} The bartender shakes his head. Honey, whats for supper? No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. If anything, it made him more sluggish. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. Start in England and drive west. To get to the other side. What are you complaining about? he fires back. ! Doctor: Nine.. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! If Im a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, its either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and dont care if you know it. "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. Toughest job I ever had? Me: Yes. Nasty ex sniffing around? ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine.

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